Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
