I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
