bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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