My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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