My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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