Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
