Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize