end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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