Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
