sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
only you would photoshop your dick
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
