Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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