All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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