Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
