why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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