I am midnight drunk by noon
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize