Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
