Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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