either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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