I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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