I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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