My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
