Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
please don't ironically join a cult
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