He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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