Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
