Jerry, you need to find god
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
