idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
