I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
