Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize