After last night, I could never be a politician.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
