WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
