Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
