My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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