did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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