I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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