the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
