I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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