No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
