No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
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