OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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