i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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