Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
