It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
