The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
