I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize