My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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