Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
