kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize