In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
