we have pet lesbian snakes
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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