No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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