I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
