Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
