My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
kristin has been a bad kristin
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
