two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
