Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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