Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
