Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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