Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
