I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
