I met the friendliest cop last night
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
