I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
