Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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