i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
