Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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