Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
