Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
