4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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