Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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